me & the tree

sunday, february 5, 2006

today, this weekend, marks one year.

 

on new year's eve i was asked if i wanted to "keep" or "get rid of" 2005.  my initial reaction was for it to get the hell out of here.  twas the year of the 9 broken bones, one punctured lung, and much displaced blood.  2005 was a year of pain. 

 

february 5, 2005, more specifically, my fate skiied me into a tree.  i like to think of this day as our anniversary (me and the tree, that is)...because of that tree i learned how to suffer, how to need, how to fear. 

 

fear...isn't it funny how the majority of our decision-making and emotions are motivated by fear?  fear of rejection, vulnerability, failure, happiness, loss, expectations...i feared pity and pain.

 

i feared being needy.  a self-proclaimed independent woman, i hated the idea that i couldn't do ANYTHING for myself.  my mother helped me go to the bathroom, medicine controlled my pain, sheena and jocelyn washed (tried to) my hair, dr. c cleaned my wounds, countless people drove my morphined self around....this fear of need led to anger and tears.  i hated my altered state; i hated that i couldn't control my motion and emotion. 

 

my weariness quickly morphed into apathy.  i had no desire for spirituality, and was quite lost in the realms of faith.  i questioned the character of God, found little comfort in the suffering of Christ.  swallowed whole by grief, i survived.

 

through the life of best friends, families i have since adopted as my own, mentors who came in the nick of time, God knew how to keep me afloat.

 

one of my pastors taught me how to pray because i didn't know how; one of my pastors reminded me of God's patience. 

 

and slowly, patiently, my eyes were dried, my ears open, my mouth kissed...i became aware of the comfort i tried so hard to deny.

 

life exists in great contradictions: death for life, depravity for fulfillment, humility for confidence...suffering for freedom.

 

i said earlier how the tree had taught me how to suffer, how to need, and how to fear.  well, the bigger picture is that only through those elements of life did i finally understand liberty.  like most things, our culture has perverted the concepts of freedom and liberty to help build a western empire; however, Christ brought freedom and liberty not for the building of an empire but to put an end to fear. 

 

jeremiah, the prophet, likens God's faithfulness and patience to the deep roots of a tree near a stream's water.  their length unseen, their strength unknown, their importance essential, the deep roots constantly provide, nourish, give life to the tree.  i like to think of the Spirit's presence in my life like those roots.  my limbs think they know how to take care of themselves, but the truth is they are weak and break...but my brittle bones have a much richer well of life. 

 

i came to realize this past year that God is patient with my wayward soul.  i read psalm 23 for the first time this year...or perhaps it was just the first time i read it with those dried eyes.  "He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams."  timing.  God knows it and i only think i do.  he knows my fear, my doubt, my need, my suffering, and knows when to let me rest beside peaceful streams...what sweet, deep-rooted life.

 

thank you, Lord, for giving me freedom from fear...

thank you, Lord, for giving me comfort in the midst of suffering...

thank you for times of mourning, for trees that change everything i thought i knew...

and for the deep roots of your spirit that are present even when my vision is too blurred, my hearing too deaf, and my voice too dumbed.