stories spun

Thursday, May 25, 2006

i began a journal on may 8, 2005, the day after my graduation.  this past year i have filled it with notes, poems, reflections, and pointless doodles.  appropriately enough, i only had one or two empty pages left at the beginning of may 2006.  to go back and read journal entries is sometimes laughable, oftentimes cathartic, and almost always therapeutic. 

may 8, 2005:
"perhaps there are too many transitions at once...i feel like i've been sprinting since the beginning of february to catch up...i'm not exactly sure what i was trying to catch up to--maybe i was merely working so hard in order to pause life instead of catch up to it.  i've worn myself out trying to make memories and preserve friendships, and now i find myself completely exhausted in the middle of a whirlwind.  i just want to rest, but rest with the way things used to be just yesterday.
one thing about life i'm growing familiar with is the fact that intense moments of living-whether good or bad-eventually fade into 'something that happened' with time.  for instance, i worked in an orphanage last summer and skiied into a tree in february.  both events boldly altered my life but no longer consume it.  there is no specific instant in which the corner turned; it's more like a magnificent microcosm of evolution.  events, relationships, experiences, etc. work together to patiently paint a lifetime.  therefore, graduation will also fade into a detail of artwork."

i just spent the last 6 weeks visiting scattered friends.  from pennsylvania to d.c., boston to cincinnati via paducah...an american adventure, if you will.  and what an adventure it was:  gettysburg is crazy about the civil war and philadelphia is not only home to this country's founding documents but is also home to an ikea.  d.c., boston and cincinnati were the crowning moments, however, because they are the present homes of mandy, matter, jocelyn, sheena and molly. 

the first full day i was in d.c. mandy and i spent a good 10 hours saving darfur.  as volunteers, we were asked to pass out 1,000 stickers and be security during the rally.  our brute strength kept 40,000 people in front of the nation's capitol from rioting against one another, and withheld 7 teenage girls from molesting george clooney.  we said hello to chris rock and i lusted after barack obama.  oh yeah, and we raised awareness of genocide in east africa.  we kayaked the rapids of the potomac river, went shopping, toured the west wing with matter as our republican tour guide, and watch "girlfriends(z?)"...and mandy said, "hot black men are way hotter than hot white men."  wisdom beyond her years...that mandy spears.

matter and i took the night bus to boston and had a 2 hour visit to a dawning new york city.  we dragged tina (my suitcase) to central park where we paid our respects to john lennon and then met up with jocelyn in beantown.  we stared at tulips in boston common, we laughed at a swan ride in a pond, we ate canolies in the north end, greeted a statue of saint francis, and felt some fresh breeze on the bay.  the next day we talked to a chic who works for "all things considered" on npr, freaked out, then saw the bosox play that night...manny hit a homerun, the man sitting next to me bought five $10 guinesses, and all was well with the world.  matter went back to d.c. and i left jocelyn to write 22 papers and take a couple exams that determined whether or not she would stay in grad school...and since she's amazingly brilliant, she passed both exams and made great grades in her english grad classes.  we spent the rest of the week watching top chef, sex and the city, will and grace, and twister...bill paxton is the perfect man...that is, if you want to follow him into a tornado.

2 days after boston, i drove my jeep to cincinnati...the city of bad memories.  but it made up for it ten-fold with a week of laziness, good eating, and preston burke.  molly, sheena and i cried together as denny died on the grey's anatomy season finale..we ate at a local diner..sheena taught me how to play poker..one afternoon for a surprise, sheena took me to the nati's oldest cemetery (she's a girl who knows me)...and we girls giggled about boys and confessed struggles. 

i drove back to nashville one last weekend to spend more time with best friends...drink coffee, walk in parks, play scrabble, eat too much roasted asparagus, go to art shows, laugh my loud, obnoxious laugh (if you know me, you know it), see a good show with better people, receive gifts i don't deserve, talk late into the night about old college crushes...

it was the kind of adventure that reminded me why community is so sacred and traveling is in my blood.  and leaving nashville to find myself in memphis was the end of that specific adventure. 

on one of my walks in boston i stopped to watch a long line of cars follow one another to an old friend's funeral.  it made me wonder how long they had known one another, how many senseless fits of laughter they had shared, when they first confessed loneliness and a need for change...how many memories remained fresh and which ones were beginning to fade.  i wondered about their sadness and season of mourning...blessed are those who mourn...  
i wonder if we will be friends when we're old, with grandchildren, with wise eyes, stories spun, wrinkles that prove life has been lived, following one another to eternal resting places.  i hope and wonder. 

one year later...recently i looked through a college photo album.  i didn't grow sad for lost memories because they certainly aren't lost...they're preserved and expounded upon.  the world continues to evolve, i as well...along with my friends, my experiences, my cities, my dreams, and my memories.  once again, a year has come and gone and it has represented a microcosm of life's evolution.

God is still good, i am still unfaithful;
God is still patient, i am still confused and annoyed;
Christ's humility is still the center of his life lived on earth, and i continue to desire power, attention and arrogance;
But, ultimately, his grace is still sufficient, and i desire to NEED it.